


Ever After

by meandmybrokenfeels



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Camp Nanowrimo, Existential Crisis, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Phandom Big Bang, References to Depression, Songfic, Wizard of Oz References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8508307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meandmybrokenfeels/pseuds/meandmybrokenfeels
Summary: As reluctant as he was to admit it, Dan loved fairy tales. Sure, they were cliché; sure, they were overused. But there was something comforting in always getting the perfect ending, the Happily Ever After. He had (quietly, of course) always dreamed of getting one of his own. He could be realistic: it wasn’t going to be happy all the time. He could settle for just an Ever After. And with Phil, he felt he’d found it. (Based on the song Ever After by Marianas Trench)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever Big Bang story! This fic was beta read by tumblr user phanetix and the lovely art (found here goo.gl/BgUdnX) by tumblr user gilove2dance. This was so much fun to write. I started it for Camp NaNo in July of 2015, and now it's finally finished and ready for posting. Join me for the ride of a lifetime, my dears. Hold on tight.

“Darcy!” Dan Howell cried out in exasperation as his over-excited six-year-old daughter giggled and raced around the backyard, curly brown hair tangling behind her. “Come on, it’s bedtime! Your mother’ll have my hide if you’re not sleeping by the time she gets home from work!”  


Darcy ignored him, throwing her head back and laughing all the more as she continued to chase the fireflies around and around.  


“I’m gonna get you!” he laughed with her, leaving his spot on the porch to go track down his child. She shrieked as he scooped her up into his arms. “There we go. Now it’s time for bed.”  


“But Daddy!” she complained, crossing her arms huffily, big blue eyes staring up at him. “You’re no fun!”  


“I’m tons of fun,” he countered, shifting her to sit on his hip as he took her in the house, locking the door behind him with his free hand. “But we can have more fun tomorrow if Mommy is happy with us.”  


“Fine,” Darcy pouted as her father took her up to her room.  


“Let’s get your pajamas on and go to bed, okay?”  


“Only if you read me a bedtime story,” Darcy negotiated.  


“Deal,” Dan agreed. “What story would you like?”  


“ _Wizard of Oz_!” she clapped gleefully.  


_Every night_ , he thought. Sighing, Dan walked over to the overflowing bookshelf and took the worn story from the middle of a stack, simply watching those that toppled over. “We need to clean this out,” he stated, looking at the mess around him. “Hey, how ‘bout tomorrow you help Mommy and Daddy organize? We can go through the basement,” he enticed her. She was quite the curious child, and had been constantly trying to worm her way into the many storage containers hiding down there since she discovered them.  


“O-okay,” Darcy agreed, trying and failing to hide her yawn.  


She continued to insist that she was not at all tired, but her father simply smiled and got her into her special Cinderella jammies and tucked her in. Pulling up the rocking chair that had never really left her room (despite Darcy’s declarations that she was not a baby and didn’t need it anymore), he settled in and opened the book.  


“Chapter One,” he began. “The Cyclone.” Darcy closed her eyes. Dan looked down at his little girl once more before reading the familiar words. “‘Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was a farmer, and Aunt Em, who was the farmer’s wife….’”  


~~~  


“What do we have here?” Dan asked his wife, Sarah, the next evening as they worked together to clean and organize the basement. Darcy was up in her room, deciding which books and toys she wanted to keep. She was growing up, after all, as she liked to remind them.  


“This bin seems to be full of your old YouTube stuff,” she smirked, pulling out a llama hat and placing it on her head.  


A pained smile was forced onto Dan’s face. “Oh, that old junk? You can just throw it out.”  


Sarah put a concerned hand on his shoulder and tried to look into his eyes. “Really?”  


Dan avoided her gaze. “Yeah, of course. Why would I need it, anyway?”  


She sighed and turned away, her hand falling from his shoulder. “I don’t know. I just figured there must be a reason why it’s still down here. It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me, I respect that, but I see how hard it is for you to be reminded of it and it hurts me that I can’t help you.” Her pleading eyes sought his once more. “Please, let me in.”  


Dan’s lungs constricted and he struggled for breath. He’d heard those words before. He’d said those words before. But that was another time, another place, another him. _Please, let me in…_  


“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. Dan? Dan! Look at me. Please.” Shocked back to reality, Dan realized he’d been crying. “Shh,” she calmed him, gathering him up into her arms. “It’s okay. You don’t need to tell me anything. It’s okay, Dan. It’s okay.”  


“Daddy?” they heard a soft voice from the stairwell. “What’s wrong?” Great, now he’d scared Darcy. Dan quickly wiped his eyes and composed himself.  


“Everything’s fine, sweetie. Did you finish with your bookshelf?” He silently begged her not to ask any more questions. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if they pried any more.  


Darcy still looked wary, but she nodded. “Can I help down here now?”  


“Sure, Princess,” he answered.  


Her face lit up in a grin as she raced over to the open bin in front of them. Reaching her little hands in, she pulled out a photograph in a fragile frame. “Who’s this?” she wondered curiously.  


“That’s your daddy when he was younger,” Sarah said, pointing to the boy with long brown fringe smiling into the camera.  


“Who’s that with him?”  


Sarah looked to Dan, who took the picture in his hands and studied it. He hadn’t seen this photo in a long time - years, in fact - but he remembered it like it was yesterday. October 19, 2009. “That’s Daddy’s best friend, Phil.” It seemed like forever ago when he’d last said that name, but the small word was bursting with feelings: admiration, hurt, love, anguish.  


“If he’s your best friend, how come you never talk about him?” Darcy questioned him.  


Dan mulled over the best way to explain. “Because, Daddy hasn’t seen Phil for a long time.”  


“Well if you haven’t seen him then how is he your best friend?”  


“It’s a long story,” he said simply.  


“Ooh! Bedtime story?” Darcy begged.  


“Not quite.”  


“Can you tell me that story tonight?”  


“When you’re older,” Dan said with finality, closing the subject.  


Darcy pouted for a bit until Sarah pulled down a giant container full of her stuffed animals from when she was young. The six-year-old was enthralled by the new toys and immediately plopped down in the middle of them and set to work. Organizing them first by creature, then by size, then by color, she was entertained for quite a while.  


Dan pulled Sarah aside. “Please, get rid of that stuff,” he pleaded with her. He pressed the photo in its porcelain frame into her hands. “I’d really rather not have to see this.”  


With that, Dan turned and headed upstairs to get a drink of water to clear his head.  


Sarah sighed and placed the picture back in the bin, taking another look at Darcy having fun by herself. “I’ll be right back, okay?”  


“Okay!” Darcy said happily, moving a small blue elephant from one end of a pile to another.  


However, the moment her mother was out of sight, she dropped the animals and leapt up. Quickly, she snatched up the photograph and inspected it, glancing up every now and then to make sure neither of her parents would find her.  


She could kind of see her daddy in the one face, but she was more interested in the other. Who was this Phil? Why didn’t he see Daddy anymore? What happened to them?  


Hearing footsteps, she carefully shoved the picture frame under her shirt and sat down where she’d been before.  


Her mommy smiled. “You doin’ okay?” she asked.  


“Yeah, I’m fine,” Darcy said.  


“Well, come upstairs. Daddy’s ready to read to you and then it’ll be time to sleep, alright?”  


“Alright,” she agreed. As she stood, she made sure to strategically place some stuffed animals in her arms so they would support her stolen goods. Up in her room, she gently set it at the bottom of a pile of furry creatures and asked her daddy to start from where he had left off the night before.  


“‘‘Follow the yellow brick road,’ Dorothy repeated…’”  


While he read, she couldn’t stop thinking about Phil and the mystery around him.  


Her mind was racing. She would find out the story, one way or another.  


~~~  


Ten years later, a sixteen-year-old Darcy held up an open sketchbook. “It’s finally complete!” she cried, collapsing onto her desk. She lifted her head to inspect her masterpiece. She’d been trying to recreate the mysterious photo of her dad and Phil for ten years, but there was always something off, something not quite right. She was never sure if it was the lighting, or the size ratio, or just her style, but finally, it was perfect.  


Opening her laptop, she returned to the website she’d been stalking for the past several years: a blog dedicated to some internet idols named Dan and Phil. She had to admit, it had been pretty weird at first. This was her dad. But then she thought it was rather fascinating. He never told her anything about when he was younger, just that he’d done some stupid things in high school and ended up dropping out of university, only to go back and get his law degree several years later. She knew he’d worked in the “entertainment industry”, as he explained it, but he’d never gone into further detail. Now she’d watched his videos, listened to his radio show, and seen him meet a bunch of celebrities. Hell, he was something of a celebrity. And that Phil guy was, too.  


The blog was full of people insisting that her dad and Phil had been in a romantic relationship. It was covered in pictures of a younger Dan Howell just looking into this guy’s eyes. Darcy didn’t see what all the fuss was about; what, was eye contact now a crime? But hey, it kept these people engaged.  


A door slammed shut downstairs and Darcy jumped. Keys were flung onto the kitchen table downstairs as the man of the hour himself called out, “Darcy?”  


Quickly shutting her sketchbook and laptop, Darcy answered, “I’m in my room!”  


There were more noises as he went up the stairs to stand in her bedroom doorway. “Hey. How was your day?” he asked.  


She shrugged. “It was okay.” Glancing at her finally-finished drawing, hidden away among countless others, she gathered her nerve to ask the question that had been plaguing her for ten long years. “Hey, Dad?”  


“Yeah?”  


She took a deep breath. “Could you please tell me about Phil?”  


Dan’s breath hitched in his throat. How silly of him to think she’d forgotten, to hope it had gone unnoticed.  


“You- you don’t really have to, I mean, it’s just that… I was wondering…” Darcy trailed off, suddenly regretting bringing up the topic. It was obvious that he didn’t want to explain, so who was she to try to make him? She should’ve just asked her mom and tried to get what information she could pry out of her. It was stupid to just ask him out of the blue like this, with nothing to prompt it.  


“Okay.”  


“What?” Darcy’s mind had taken off, so she was confused as to what he meant.  


“I’ll tell you. You’re old enough now, and if you’ve been wondering this long, it’s time I answered your questions.” He sighed and shifted a bit. “It’s time I let this out,” he whispered to himself.  


Darcy, still hesitant, walked over and gave him a hug. “You sure?” she asked, but she couldn’t hide the hint of excitement in her voice. She was finally going to understand.  


Her father kissed her on the top of the head and smiled sadly. “Come on. It’ll be like a bedtime story,” he offered. “Although I don’t know what kind of masochist would wanna hear this right before they go to sleep but hey! Why the hell not.” He stepped out and called back over his shoulder, “I’m just gonna go get something to drink. You get ready for bed and I’ll be back up in a bit.”  


Darcy got into her pajamas and hopped under the blankets, sketchbook deftly hidden under her pillow.  


Her father reentered the room, mug of tea in hand. Pulling the rocking chair up to the edge of the bed as he had done so many times before, he settled in to tell his tale.  


Searching for ways to stall, he took a long look around the room. Much had changed, but some things were still the same. “Remember when you were little? And every night you wanted me to read you _The Wizard of Oz_?”  


“Yeah?” she answered, not understanding what this little anecdote (or _Danecdote_ , as he liked to call them when sharing embarrassing stories about her to her friends) had to do with anything.  


Dan’s sad smile returned to his face as he gently pushed her hair back from her forehead. “Well, Princess… There’s no yellow bricks to follow back and run from that disaster.” He raised his gaze to some other place, to some other time. “Believe me, there’s no place like home.”


	2. Chapter 2

_“Once upon a time,” he began, “I used to romanticize. Used to be somebody - never mind,” he shook his head, clearing it of the thought. “Don’t miss it that much now. But they keep sinking in, the days that I wonder where I’ve been, in picture perfect porcelain.” His gaze fell on the photo in its cream colored, delicate frame. “But my story began with a laptop.”_

Eighteen-year-old Dan smiled as he clicked on the link in the email YouTube had sent him. AmazingPhil had just uploaded a new video, and Dan was excited. Watching Phil be his adorable self always improved his day.

“Hey guys!” Phil waved to the camera, and Dan was struck yet again with how much he liked him. Phil had the kind of bright and smiling personality that could bring a dead man to life again.

Shaking his head free of the sappy thought, he poised his fingers over the keyboard, ready to type. He had been one of the first ones to comment whenever a new video was uploaded since he’d discovered him not long ago. Silently, (because he would just die if someone knew) he hoped Phil would notice and reply someday. Maybe. It couldn’t hurt him to hope, right?

After having spent (probably too much) time thinking of the perfect witty comment to leave, Dan clicked on more of Phil’s videos to rewatch. He quickly lost track of time, focusing more on the bundle of joy and sexiness in front of him. The idea of making a YouTube video of his own flickered softly in the corner of his mind, as it had for a while now, but he quickly dismissed the thought. No one would want to watch him awkwardly waffle for a few minutes.

A while later, he went to check his email again. There was one unread message from YouTube.

_AmazingPhil replied to your comment on AmazingPhil’s video!_

In that moment, Dan could’ve sworn his heart stopped.

What?! It had actually happened? No, it had to be a trick. A joke. Someone had done that thing where they made a username that looked similar to a popular one’s just to freak people out.

He read the subject line again. It seemed to be the real deal.

Steeling his nerve, he opened the email.

_AmazingPhil replied to your comment on AmazingPhil’s video!_

_Comment:_

Haha! ^-^ 

_Click to reply._

Part of Dan wanted to squeal like a child who’d just gotten a new bike for Christmas. Part of him wanted to cry a little bit. Most of him was merely frozen in shock, still not sure of what had happened.

 _Calm down_ , he told himself. It was literally the simplest thing to type out, a word and an emoticon. But still.

_Phil had noticed him._

~~~

That was just the beginning. Soon, Phil was replying to all his comments. After a while, he messaged him privately, and soon they had exchanged skype addresses.

_Phil Lester is calling._

Dan’s laptop screen blinked the message at him. His cursor hovered over the ‘accept’ button, not clicking it yet. This would be their first conversation face-to-face. Or, rather, screen-to-screen, but whatever. It was still extremely nerve-wracking. Phil was about to hear his voice for the first time. Phil was about to talk directly to him for the first time.

Realizing that none of that was going to happen if he didn’t actually click the button, Dan finally did.

Phil’s pixelated face filled his laptop screen. He was smiling.

“Hi!” he said happily.

Dan laughed breathlessly, a wide smile taking up nearly his entire face. “Hi.”

“I’m so glad we get to finally talk,” Phil grinned.

“Me too,” Dan agreed.

There was a bit of an awkward silence as both tried to think of things to say.

“So-” they both started at the same time, trailing off into nervous laughter.

“You first,” Phil said.

Dan swallowed. “Okay. Um, so, I just wanted to say thanks.”

“For what?” Phil asked, looking a bit confused.

“Taking the time to talk to me. I mean, I was just someone who liked your videos and thought you were cute and-”

_Crap._

_Abort mission abort mission ABORT MISSION._

“You thought I was cute?” Phil repeated, one corner of his mouth lifted up in a way that made him the most adorable thing in God’s creation.

Dan coughed. “Well, uh, you know, a little bit… Not in like a weird way or anything…”

_Well done, Dan, he thought. Your first conversation and you tell him you think he’s cute. Why not confess your undying love next and ask him to marry you?_

Phil laughed a bit as Dan looked away, face bright red as he contemplated lying face down on the carpet for a few years. “Hey,” he said softly, and Dan slowly raised his eyes back to the screen. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty cute too.”

Dan’s eyes widened to the size of saucers as he stumbled over his tongue, all of his words failing him.

“So,” Phil started again. “You said something when we were chatting about how you considered making your own YouTube videos?”

“Oh, no, not really,” Dan denied the claim. “Well, kinda. But no one would watch them.”

“I would,” Phil stated simply. “Come on, just try one. You never know what could come of it.”

~~~

Over time, Dan and Phil’s relationship grew. They texted daily, and skyped each other whenever possible. They quickly grew closer and closer. It seemed as though they were meant to be the best of friends.

And… maybe something more?

Ever since that first day, whenever Dan did or said something cute, Phil made sure to tell him, resulting in Dan blushing and denying that it had ever happened.

As awesome as their friendship was, Dan couldn’t help but wonder if something else could happen. Phil didn’t seem to find anything wrong with what they were doing now, so maybe…?

However, Dan was determined to keep these musings to himself. He’d already let too much slip out.

_But that hadn’t exactly ended horribly…_

Dan shook his head to clear it and clicked on Phil’s icon next to the green circle. His call was answered after a few moments.

“Hey!” Phil greeted Dan, his usual smile in place.

“Hey,” Dan smiled in return.

“I missed you,” Phil told him, causing Dan’s cheeks to redden.

“Phil, it’s been four days,” he pointed out.

“Still.”

Much of their conversation was spent either laughing, smiling stupidly, or both.

“So have you thought any more on making your own YouTube videos?” Phil asked, like he had at least once every few chats or so since they’d started talking.

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes. “Phil, I told you. No one would watch them. And of the few people who stumbled across it, I guarantee that they would be far too busy laughing at it to notice the subscribe button, and thusly, I would be left with more people knowing what an awkward dork I am than need be.”

“Oh, come on. I already told you: I’d watch your videos. I’ll be your first subscriber,” Phil said, exasperated.

“Phil…” Dan trailed off.

“Please! For me?” Phil begged, puppy dog eyes plainly visible even through the pixelated image on the screen.

“Maybe.”

It was Phil’s turn to sigh. This was the standstill they’d always reached.

“You’re cute when you’re annoyed,” Dan teased in an attempt to change the subject. His confidence had grown significantly over the last several weeks.

Phil huffed and shook his head, but he couldn’t stop the grin from creeping onto his face. “God, I wish you were here.”

“What?” Dan asked, slightly confused at this turn of events.

“Here. With me. In person.” 

Dan was quiet for a moment. “I wish I was there, too.”

“Well then why aren’t you?” Phil asked.

“What?” Dan repeated. 

Phil squirmed around, getting excited. “You should come visit! It’ll be so great! You could stay for a few days and we could make a video together and just- It’ll be awesome.”

“It’ll be amazing, Phil,” Dan smirked.

“Oh, shut up,” Phil hushed him. “It would be tons of fun and you know it.”

Dan took a minute to imagine it: actually being near Phil, seeing him face-to-face without a screen cutting through, being close enough to touch him. “Yeah,” he grinned. “It would.”

“This has to happen,” Phil declared. Shooting up from where he had been sitting on his bedroom floor, he was out of shot of the camera.

“Phil?” Dan called. “What are you doing?”

“Checking something!” Phil’s muffled and distorted voice replied.

Dan sat there staring at his laptop screen in silence for a bit, not sure what to do. A couple minutes later, Phil returned, out of breath for some strange reason Dan wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“Everything good?” he asked.

“Everything’s great,” Phil replied, an even wider grin than usual on his face. “Just out of curiosity, what are you doing the fourth week of October?”

“Umm…” Dan quickly went over his schedule in his mind. “I don’t know. Why?”

“Well, buy your train ticket, ‘cause you’re coming to stay with me for a few days!”

“What?” Dan said for the third time in under ten minutes.

“Yup! As long as you can clear it, everything’s cool here. You can come up and we can hang out.” 

Dan still looked unsure. 

“Come on. I just wanna hug you, is that too much to ask?”

Dan tried to fight the rising blush, but his efforts were futile. “Fine. I’ll do what I can.”

“Oh, I should mention that there is one condition,” Phil warned him.

“And that is?”

“You have to post at least one video first,” Phil smirked at him.

“What th- Phil, that’s a stupid condition,” Dan retorted.

“Hey, don’t blame me. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them,” Phil feigned innocence, hands held up in mock surrender.

“Oh, really? Then who exactly made up this rule?” Dan questioned him.

“The queen,” Phil stated matter-of-factly.

“The queen?” Dan repeated, one eyebrow raised.

“Yup. She just sent out the decree,” Phil continued.

“Oh, well if it’s the queen’s order then I guess I have to,” Dan said sarcastically. “You’ll see a video up from me soon.”

“Really?” Phil asked excitedly, eyes alight.

Dan sighed. “Yes, really. Just give me some time to plan everything. If I can come, I will get at least one video up on YouTube beforehand.”

“Yay!” Phil clapped, looking quite possibly the happiest Dan had ever seen him.

Dan heard a door close downstairs, signaling that his dad was home from work and thusly that it was time to start the begging. “Hey, I’ve gotta go butter up my parents so they’ll let me go. I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Good luck, hot stuff,” Phil winked, laughing. 

Dan laughed with him before quickly ending the call and closing his laptop. Looking around, he raced to tidy up his room: closing drawers, tossing socks into the hamper, gathering up all the loose sheets on his desk and placing them in one handy all-inclusive paper pile. He had about three weeks to convince his parents to let him go, two if he wanted to get a decent ticket bought early. It was best if he got started on being the perfect child now. That was the only way they would ever allow him to travel by himself to go be with someone they’d never met for a few days.

He began forming a plan. Stage one: clean the house. Hands down that was the absolute best way to get on any mother’s good side. Stage two: casually bring Phil up in conversation every now and then. If they say they’ve never heard of him, he’d insist that he talked about him all the time. Introduce him as a friend who’d moved away for university. Stage three: ask for permission to visit him.

Three steps. That shouldn’t be too difficult.

"Dan?" his dad called out.

"Up here!" he answered, taking one last look around his now-presentable bedroom before heading down to the kitchen. "What do you want?"

"Could you start supper? I've got a lot of work to do and I know your mother would greatly appreciate it," his dad requested while thumbing through a file folder. 

Remembering his plan, Dan bit back a sarcastic response and nodded. "What should I make?"

His father paused in the shuffling of his papers and sighed. "Stir fry? You can handle that, right?"

Instead of pointing out the fact that he was 18 years old and thus fully capable of throwing together a dish he'd made many times, he merely said, "Okay. I can do that."

"Great. Just call me when it's done." And with that, Dan was left alone in the kitchen as his father retreated to his office. 

_It's for Phil_ , he reminded himself. _This is for Phil._

The whole time as he was preparing, slicing, and combining ingredients, he was brainstorming ways to bring Phil up in casual conversation. At one point he nearly chopped off his thumb. From then on, he paid more attention to the task at hand, but still his mind would wander. 

_Phil_. The emotions connected to such a simple, one-syllable word scared him a bit. He’d never felt this way about anyone before, boy or girl. The two of them had a strange connection that was difficult to describe, and Dan felt it would only get stronger in person. It was like he’d always been missing something; a hollow hole inside his chest was yearning to be filled with someone’s presence and love, and with Phil, it felt slightly smaller.

That evening, as he and his parents sat down to their meal, Dan listened carefully and waited for the chance to set stage two of his plan into action. 

“Dan,” his mother said suddenly. “Your father and I were thinking of taking a little vacation in a few weeks here. Do you think you’ll be alright home on your own?”

So he was old enough to drink, but not to cook or stay home alone apparently. “I should be good. When are you going?”

“We just bought our tickets. We’ll be leaving on the 18th,” she explained.

 _Excellent_. A new plan began forming in his brain. “How long are you going to be gone?” he asked, trying with all his might not to sound too eager, lest they become suspicious.

“No more than a week.”

“Now, remember,” his father interjected, “if we find anything that even hints at you having a party here, you’re never allowed to be home alone for more than five minutes again.”

_That wasn’t exactly my plan…_

“I know, Dad, I know,” he sighed, allowing a bit of his sassy and sarcastic personality out with the carbon dioxide. “Where are you going?” Acting interested in them would hopefully distract them from questioning his intentions.

“We were planning on visiting my sister,” his mother answered. “As you know, she’s been having some trouble with the baby, and that rotten husband of hers isn’t much help at all. I was going to do what I could for her, and your father was kind enough to offer to try and sort him out,” she said, patting her husband’s arm lovingly as he grunted and stabbed at his meal with his fork.

“He’s a piece of shit,” Mr. Howell muttered. His wife shook her head, disappointed both in the man in question and the language used to describe him, true though it was.

“I do wish you wouldn’t use such vulgar language around Daniel,” she chided him as she rose to take empty dishes to the sink.

“I am 18,” Dan reminded her, as it seemed his parents had forgotten lately.

His mother paused to gently pat his cheek before kissing him on the forehead and continuing with the cleaning up. “I know. You’re just growing up so fast.” She sighed wistfully. “I just don’t know what I’ll do someday when you meet a girl and fall in love and move away and get married…” She shook her head to clear it. “Ah, well. That’s still way off in the future, right?”

Dan didn’t answer her. His mind was busy racing. He had come to terms with his own bisexuality, but he hadn’t told his parents yet. But that wasn’t all: the moment he’d heard the words _fall in love_ , Phil’s face had instantly popped into his head. 

_But that’s insane, right?_ he thought to himself. _I mean, we only just started talking not too long ago. Well, yeah, he’s cute, and funny, and we have a lot in common, and he just gets me, but that can’t be enough to-_

“Daniel?”

His mother was staring at him curiously.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, of course,” he covered. “Sorry. May I please be excused? I’ve got a project I should be working on.”

She excused him with a wave of her hand. “Go, have fun.”

“Thanks, Mum,” he said, kissing her on the cheek before bounding up the staircase to his bedroom. He could hardly contain his excitement. Whipping out his phone, he tapped out a text to Phil.

_To: Phil :)_

_Looks like I’ll be able to come! I can get a train on the 19th. Will that be good?_

Not two minutes later, he got a response.

_From: Phil :)_

_!!!!! That’ll be perfect! How long can you stay? I’ve got the whole week free._

Over the next half hour or so, everything was planned out: Dan would buy his ticket online as soon as possible, Phil would meet him at the station, and Dan would stay for five days. The guilt he felt over deceiving his parents was dwarfed by his elation at finally really meeting Phil.

He still couldn’t believe it. All of the events over the last couple of months… Those kind of things didn’t happen to him. He was just a kid from England who had weird hair and couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Why did he get the chance to meet someone he looked up to? Why was he granted the option of lovi-

He stopped himself mid-thought. He could accept the fact that he had a crush, maybe even that he seriously liked him, but love? No way. That was too big of a word. 

He smirked slightly to himself as he realized that love was, in fact, a four-letter word.

~~~

The next few weeks were a blur. Phil never left Dan’s mind for more than a few seconds at a time. Whenever he had a moment to himself, Dan was either texting Phil, skyping Phil, packing for when he would visit Phil, or simply thinking about Phil.

Basically, he was just a tiny bit obsessed.

He didn’t care.

The calendar on the wall next to his permanently messy desk was counting down the days until his departure. October 19th was circled many times in many different colors and those squares marking the days at the beginning of the month were crossed out with much enthusiasm every night before he went to sleep. 

Dan filled the time by scripting, filming, editing, and uploading his first two YouTube videos. As promised, Phil subscribed immediately and liked both of them.

Finally, only one square was unmarked. It was October 18th, and Dan had never been more short-tempered with his parents. He seemed to be constantly snapping at them, always tense and on the edge. 

“Daniel, could you please-”

“What?!” he barked, spinning around to face his mother. Seeing the look on her face, he instantly softened. “I’m, I’m sorry, I just…”

“You seem to be having some problems lately,” his father accused him.

“Yeah, Dad, I know, I’m sorry-”

“What is it with you? You just can’t wait for us to be out of the house, can you?” His mother gasped. “You _are_ throwing a party!”

“What? No, Mom, I’m not-”

“You are!” his mother insisted.

“Really, Daniel, I expected better from you than to try to pull something like this off behind our backs,” his father said, disappointed.

Dan had expected hearing these words sometime in the future, when or if they found out about him going to visit Phil, but not now. “Dad, I’m not throwing a party. Who would I even invite? You know I don’t have any friends.”

“Probably that person you’ve been texting nonstop for the last couple of months,” his mother suggested. 

Dan paled. 

“You think we don’t see you smiling at your phone all the time? Now come on, who is she.”

For a moment, Dan considered lying, saying it was a girl from his class, but he decided against it. He was already hiding the truth from them by not saying what he was planning on doing while they were gone, blatantly lying to their faces would not go over well.

“It’s a guy. His name’s Phil. We’re friends,” he added, seeing the shocked look on their faces. _For now._

He could tell that they were at a loss for what to say next.

“Isn’t it time for you two to be heading out?” he prompted them. In actuality, they didn’t have to leave for another half an hour, but they were relieved to have an excuse to escape the awkward turn the conversation had taken.

“Yes. Right. Well.” Mrs. Howell straightened her blouse and took one last look around. “We’d best be off, Daniel. You know what to do. We’ll be back in a week. If you need anything, just call us.”

“I will,” he promised. 

“Goodbye!” she called to him as her husband gathered up their bags. “We’ll miss you!”

“I’ll miss you, too,” he insisted. He could almost taste the freedom.

“We love you!”

“I love you, too.”

And with that, he was alone.

He immediately raced upstairs to see if Phil was online. Perfect. He clicked on the icon and waited as it connected. 

Phil’s pixelated smiling face filled the screen. “Hey there,” he greeted.

“So, my parents just left, I’m all alone, and all I can think about is you,” Dan said. 

“I’ve done nothing but think about you for weeks. I still can’t believe that tomorrow I’ll actually get to hug you,” Phil told him.

“I don’t want to wait. I have no clue how I’m supposed to pass the time from now until I see you,” Dan complained.

“Don’t you have another video planned out?” Phil asked.

“Well, yeah, but I was just going to wait to make that until I got back from-”

“You’re making it now,” Phil cut him off. 

“What? But I don’t want to. I want to talk to you.”

“It’ll get your mind off of things and make the time pass more quickly,” Phil insisted. “Now go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Dan gave in. But he couldn’t stop a small smile from creeping up as he said, “See you tomorrow.”

~~~

Dan’s alarm clock woke him at 7:00 the next morning. Groaning, he rolled over to shut it off before remembering why it had been set for such a time.

_Today was the day he would meet Phil._

For once, Dan had no problem leaping out of bed. He took the fastest shower in the history of showers, hopping in and out with barely enough time to do everything that needed to be done. Realizing that his hair straightener was at the bottom of his overflowing suitcase, Dan sighed and guessed that he’d have to show up with hobbit hair. Cursing to himself as he got dressed, he kicked at the hulking black bag containing his necessities for the next few days. 

He’d wanted to look great, or at least decent for when he met his absolute favorite person in the world. Instead, he would be showing up with his natural curls flying all over the place. Shaking his head in a futile attempt to straighten the strands at least a bit, he grabbed his llama hat and shoved it down on his head, endeavoring to somewhat control the craziness.

Checking his clock, he saw he still had about 20 minutes before he had to leave for the station. _Early is on time and on time is late_ , his mother chided him in his head. She had all these little sayings that had stuck with him. Sometimes they were annoying, but sometimes he appreciated them.

Now, it was the former.

He grabbed another bag for his electronics - camera, laptop, assorted chargers - and, items in hand, set out for his adventure.

The train journey was long, uneventful, and utterly mind-numbing. Dan spent the first half debating over whether or not he should text Phil and annoy him when he was about to intrude and stay with him for several days, and the second half finally getting up the nerve to send him a message saying only three words:

_To: Phil :)_

_I can’t wait._

Dan was somewhat nervous. Scratch that - he was absolutely and utterly terrified. What if Phil decided he didn’t like him anymore? Low quality webcams weren’t exactly the best way to really see a person. Add that to his current subpar appearance, and there was a high chance that Phil would catch one glimpse of him and turn right around, leaving him stranded at the station.

No. This was Phil. Phil was kind. If anything, he would just smile politely, tough out the five days with just enough courtesy to be civil, and then gently cease all contact once Dan got back home.

By the time the train pulled into the station, Dan was barely holding back tears, convinced that this was the way everything was going to go. It would all end like this. He was seriously considering just staying on the train when his phone buzzed. 

_From: Phil :)_

_Isn’t this your train? Hurry up and get out here!!_

Dan took a deep breath and shuffled out onto the platform, eyes downcast as he focused all of his energy on not blubbering like an idiot.

“Dan!” an all-too-familiar voice called out to him. Looking up, Dan saw the person it had come from.

_Phil._

It was Phil and he was here and he was smiling and his eyes looked genuinely happy to see him and he was practically sprinting towards him and now he was scooping him up in a hug and it was Phil and it was perfect.

Dan couldn’t hold it in anymore, and he choked out a sob as he grabbed Phil and held him tight.

“What? Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, concerned. He shuffled the two of them out of the way of everyone else for a bit of privacy, gently pushing Dan’s bags along with his feet. 

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, what’s the matter?”

Dan raised his head, furiously swiping at his face. “It’s just,” he swallowed. “I was so nervous. I thought you were gonna see me and instantly hate me and-”

“Oh, Dan,” Phil sighed, and Dan glared at the floor, angry at himself for ruining everything. Phil had been fine until he’d mentioned that, and now he was busy listing everything wrong with Dan, and that would take a while…

Phil softly placed a kiss on his forehead. Dan looked up, shocked, and met his shining blue eyes. “You’re even more adorable in person.”

Dan felt his face go red and tried to hide it behind his hands.

Phil laughed and took one hand, using the other to pick up one of Dan’s bags. “Come on. We’ve got so much to do.”

Dan allowed himself to be dragged along, remembering at the last second to grab his suitcase. 

“What do you wanna do first?” Phil asked, sounding almost giddy. He seemed a bit jumpy, and it crossed Dan’s mind that maybe he was nervous, too.

Dan shrugged, even though he knew Phil couldn’t see him. Suddenly, his stomach growled, making the decision for him. “I actually haven’t eaten yet today,” he remembered.

Phil stopped suddenly, causing Dan to run into him. “Sorry. I was just thinking of where we should grab some food. How hungry are you?”

“Not very. I could use some coffee, though.”

“Starbucks, then?” Phil suggested.

“Sounds good,” Dan agreed, trying to ignore the fact that he was _holding hands_ with _Phil Lester_ and didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

Phil smiled, tugging him towards the exit and the outside world. 

Throughout the next several hours, they were never not touching at least some part of each other. The moment they sat down in the cab, Phil scooched the two of them close together so their sides lined up. Gaining courage, Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder, glancing up briefly only to see Phil looking down on him with such uncontested happiness that he had to look away as he tried to control the blood rushing to his cheeks. They even held hands in the line at Starbucks. Dan could see that people were glancing at them and whispering, but he didn’t care and simply gripped Phil’s hand tighter, feeling as though the person standing next to him was the only thing keeping him sane.

They picked a booth in the back where they'd have some privacy. Dan entertained the idea of sitting across from each other, but Phil pulled him onto the bench so they were right next to each other. Dan was practically in Phil's lap. He didn't particularly mind. 

The older boy wrapped an arm around the waist of his companion. The younger rested his head on the other's shoulder. It was peaceful. 

The two of them talked for hours, caramel macchiatos left cold and forgotten on the table in front of them. They couldn't keep their eyes off of one another. 

Especially Dan. Every so often he would just stop and stare at Phil. He was there. He was real.

Phil didn't mind the stares. He couldn't be bothered to remove the humongous grin from his face. Dan was finally there. He was finally real.

When they realized the time, they left hurriedly. This time, they took a subway to Phil’s flat so they could drop off Dan’s bags before embarking on any other adventures of any size or stature.

“So, what do you want to do?” Phil asked. The two were sprawled out on his couch; they had yet to cease contact. Phil’s hand lazily traveled up and down Dan’s arm, causing the hairs to stand at attention and his breath to hitch slightly. Dan was only moderately surprised that such a small gesture would invoke such a reaction from him, but hey, it was _Phil_. Everything was different with him. The world looked brighter. Life seemed better. All the mundane parts about existing were revealed to be something new and exciting, and for once, he couldn’t wait to experience it.

“I don’t know,” Dan shrugged, tearing his eyes away from Phil’s fingers. “It’s your town. You pick something. What’s something people come here to see? Besides you, of course.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but it was obvious that he didn’t mind the joke. “Well…” he thought. “There’s the Manchester Eye? It’s not quite the London Eye, but it’s pretty nice. I’ve actually only been on it once.”

“That sounds cool,” Dan agreed. Honestly, he didn’t care what they did as long as he was there with Phil.

They spent the next couple of hours talking about everything and nothing. Some of it had come up in previous conversations, but it came across in a different light in person. Each boy was shocked at how easily the conversation flowed between them, occasionally lapsing into bouts of comfortable silence, but never for long. There was too much they had left to say, and they weren’t sure how long they had to say it, but they were hoping for something close to forever.

Phil looked out the window. "We should get going before it gets too dark."

Dan groaned as he stood. He wanted to stay on that couch and never get up. 

When they reached the Eye, Dan looked up in amazement. "I didn't realize it would be so huge."

While they were in line, the sun had began its descent into the great unknown. As they rose into the sky, the darkness engulfed the park. The lights along the spokes of the wheel began to glow. Dan looked over at the only person in the world he wanted to share this experience with and he was struck by a thought. 

_I want to kiss him._

_But what if he's disgusted with me? What if he hates me? What if he wants me to go home?_

As he stared at Phil's smile illuminated in the soft lights around them, he realized he didn't care. The car stopped at the very top and the two looked out over the magnificent view of the city. 

_Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor_ , his mother’s voice said in his head. Dan took the chance, and, leaning in, pressed his lips against the other boy’s. He could feel himself trembling, but Phil's hand was steady as it settled on his cheek, his other hand covering Dan's. Phil was so warm and solid and real that it made him want to laugh and cry and kiss him all at the same time. For the time being, he settled on only the last one.


	3. Chapter 3

Over the next ten years, Dan and Phil’s relationship only became stronger and stronger. The two moved in together in Manchester, and then later to London. They got their own radio show on the BBC, cameo roles in a Disney film, and presented awards at events. Their internet following grew as they each obtained millions of subscribers, becoming some of the most popular internet personalities out there. They published a book and toured the world, doing all the things they’d dreamed of doing but never thought possible. That's not to say it was always easy, oh no. Far from it. They definitely had their ups and downs - as all couples do - but they got through it. It soon came to be that you'd almost never see one without the other. Whether at home or out and about, the two were inseparable. But at home was where most of the problems were. 

~~~

"Dan?" Phil knocked on the door, receiving no response. "I'm coming in," he warned, inching open the door. He looked around to find Dan lying face down on the carpet. This wasn't the first time he'd caught him like this. The first time, he'd panicked, fussing over him and asking over and over again what was wrong, only to receive mumbled, unintelligible answers. This time, he knew what to do. 

Sighing, he heaved Dan up to a sitting position and leaned him against the side of the bed. Dan was limp, his mind somewhere else in the depths of the universe. Phil got up and brought back a glass of water, setting it down gently on the carpet next to them. 

He sat next to his boyfriend and said one simple word. "Talk."

And Dan did. 

He went over theories (those of famous philosophers and scientists, as well as a few of his own), ranted about the vastness of the universe, and explained his views on the impact of anything and everything that pitiful human beings did in relation to the bigger picture. 

And through it all, Phil listened. He was constantly amazed at the brilliance that could pour out of that mouth. He could sit and listen for hours, and in fact, he did. Whenever Dan's existential crisis reared its ugly head, Phil was there. 

He was always there. 

~~~

After three hours of staring at the same damn pages and not making heads or tails of whatever the hell it was trying to say, Dan had had enough. 

"I can't take it anymore!" he screamed, hurling his large law textbook at the wall. He buried his head in his hands and shoved his brown fringe back in exasperation. He curled up into a ball of himself and leaned against the side of his bed, not watching as pages fluttered from the ripped binding, spreading facts and information and vocabulary words all across his bedroom floor so that the carpet was only barely peeking through the gaps. 

The door opened with a bang and Phil stood in the doorway looking harried. "Dan, are you..." He trailed off when he spotted the sheets of paper strewn about, notes and actual bits of the textbook intermixed on the ground beneath him. 

And in the middle of it all was Dan. Shaking, he seemed to be trying to press himself into the bedframe in order to disappear and not have to deal with the university work that threatened to drown him.

Silently, Phil gathered up the mess, not bothering yet to separate notebook paper from printed published pieces, covered in graphs and charts and diagrams. He set them on the desk and went to go help Dan. Phil quietly knelt in front of the distressed boy, tissues in hand, and touched his shoulder. “Dan?” he whispered.

Hearing the caring in Phil’s voice opened the floodgates. The tears that had barely been kept at bay now bursted forth. Not lifting his face, Dan moved a hand forward, reaching for the tissues, ever aware of the fact that he was being watched, which he was never quite comfortable with, even if it was Phil. The older boy repositioned the box of Kleenex so it would sit in perfect reaching distance of the both of them, as Phil assumed that once Dan told his story, he would be crying (at least a little bit) as well. 

The two spent several minutes in that position, dirty tissues littering the carpet around them, but they chose to ignore the growing mess in favor of focusing on each other. 

"I don't even want to study law," Dan said quietly. Phil sat there, rubbing circles onto his back, and waited for more. "I don't enjoy this at all."

"So what do you want to do?" Phil asked. 

Dan sniffed and wiped his face before looking up for the first time. "I don't know..." he mused. "But I know I want it to involve YouTube and you."

Phil smiled softly and kissed Dan's forehead. "Dan, why are you doing this to yourself? You're making yourself miserable by forcing yourself to do something you hate. Now, where's the sense in that?"

Dan sighed and rested his cheek on Phil's shoulder. "I don't want to be a dropout, though."

"Then don't think of it like that. Think of it as taking the necessary steps in order to be happy and make your life the one you want to live."

Dan let out a small laugh and moved so he could snake his arms around Phil's waist. "You're amazing."

Phil wrapped Dan in a warm embrace and squeezed for a moment before relaxing and settling comfortably around him. "I've heard."

Dan shut him up with a kiss. 

~~~

It was one of their first days in London. It also happened to be the anniversary of the day they’d first met at that train station in Manchester. The day Dan had kissed him for the first time. The day it all began.

As a tip of the hat to that day, the two decided to visit the London Eye that evening.

It was a bit chilly, so Phil wore a soft hoodie with sleeves that hung down over his hands. Dan, on the other hand, was shivering in his thin leather jacket he’d thrown on.

“Why does it have to be so cold?” he complained.

Phil whacked him with his long sleeve. “That’s what you get for being too cool for a hoodie.”

“I never said I was too cool,” Dan retorted, insulted. “My good one was in the wash.”

“Of course it was,” Phil mumbled, smiling to himself. He knew for a fact that it was hanging in Dan’s closet at that exact moment. More likely he’d thought he could just tough it out.

“Shut up,” Dan muttered, rubbing his arms in an attempt to keep warm as they waited in line.

Phil just smiled wrapped an arm around his waist. Once they were seated in their carriage, he smirked at Dan. “Maybe you wore that flimsy thing so you’d have an excuse to get over here, close to me?” he suggested.

Dan rolled his eyes, but took the invitation, wrapping his arms around Phil and soaking up his warmth. As he looked into the blue eyes that were shining down on him, he felt an overwhelming desire for three words to be spoken aloud for the first time.

The car jolted to a stop and the couple looked around. “You can see everything from up here,” Phil said in amazement.

Dan was only looking at him.

Swallowing his fears, he decided that he would finally tell him. _It’s now or never._

He dove right in, no crash helmet, and said it. 

"I love you."

He would never forget the look on Phil’s face, not that it lasted long before he was overtaken in a deep kiss. 

Four words were breathed back to him inbetween kisses, pressed right up against his lips.

“I love you, too.”

~~~

"Hi, everybody," Dan greeted his audience as he began his liveshow. The comments began flooding in as more and more people joined. Many were asking how he was coping, alone in the house for the last few days. 

"It's been quiet," he admitted. "I've been watching quite a bit of TV though, catching up, so that's good." He scanned the chat, attempting to focus on something as it moved faster than the speed of light. "When'll Phil be back?" he read aloud from the chat. Dan picked up his phone to check. "His flight is early tomorrow morning, so he'll be back soon." He looked over some more of the chat. _You seem so lonely_ , one said as it raced on by. _Of course I’m lonely_ , he thought, _Phil's gone_. "Yeah, apparently today was spent-"

He was cut off by the fact that he was now being somewhat crushed by another body. "Miss me?" Phil asked, a smirk evident in his voice. 

Dan wriggled free of the bone-crushing hug only to instantly stand and wrap the other boy inside his own embrace. "Of course."

Neither of them wanted to let go, but they were interrupted by a ping from Dan's computer. 

_Live stream ended. System overload. Reboot?_

Phil laughed. "Oops. Sorry about that."

Dan chose to turn his attention to his boyfriend’s lips, leaving the message up on the screen. 

Phil broke away after a bit. "I did bring cupcakes," he said. 

"Did I ever tell you I love you?" Dan asked, closing YouNow and tapping out an apology tweet. 

Phil gave him a peck on the cheek as he caught up to him so they could walk side by side to the kitchen, holding hands, as both had been seriously deprived of the other's contact. 

"Not nearly enough."

~~~

One evening, Phil didn't seem to be his usual happy self. He’d begun doing this more often lately, and it was starting to concern his flatmate. He stared off into space as he munched on some crisps, completely ignoring the television playing in front of him. 

"Phil!" Dan yelled suddenly, making him jump. 

"What was that for?" he asked, looking at his lap and all of the crumbs that now covered it. Some had fallen into the crack between the sofa cushions, while some were sitting on the floor, acting as an open invitation for bugs to come in and live with them rent-free. 

"I've been trying to get your attention for a while now. What's going on?" Dan asked, concerned. 

“Nothing’s going on. I’m fine,” Phil said dismissively, sweeping the scattered bits of his snack into his hands to take to the garbage can.

Dan frowned. “You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Phil replied as he sat back down, and his smile would’ve seemed real to anyone who hadn’t known him as long and as well as Dan had. 

He raised an eyebrow. “Really?” he asked, skeptical of Phil’s answer.

“Yes, really,” Phil answered, shutting him down. “Wanna watch a movie?” he continued, trying to distract him.

Dan huffed, starting to get annoyed now. “Fine.”

“Which one?”

“I don’t care.”

The two sat in stony silence as a film started up. Both hated it. Instead of the content quietness that their apartment usually contained, it was as if a giant wall had been placed between the two, and if either were to attempt to climb over or get through it somehow, they wouldn’t like what they found. 

Finally, Phil couldn’t take it anymore. “What is it?” he snapped.

Dan exploded. “What is it?!” he repeated, fuming. “You start acting weird, and I, like a good boyfriend, like a good _person_ , am over here trying to figure out what’s wrong and see if I can help you. Yet all I get from you is this ‘ _I’m fine_ ’ crap. You know what? I call bullshit. If you don’t wanna tell me, fine. Talk to me when you can be decent.” With that, he got up and stormed off to his room, slamming the door behind him. He flopped face down onto his bed and groaned his frustrations loudly into the comforter.

A few minutes later, he heard a quiet knock on the door. “Can I come in?”

Dan sighed, rolling over so he was laying on his back, and crossed his arms. “I don’t know, _can_ you?”

The door creaked open and Phil slipped in. Instead of moving farther into the room, he chose to stand awkwardly next to the door, eyes fixed on the ground, unsure of whether he was completely welcome after what had happened. “I’m sorry,” he said after a bit.

Dan sat up, sighing. “I’m sorry too. I overreacted. It’s fine if you don’t wanna tell me what happened. I just get worried sometimes. You’re always so bubbly and excited; it’s disconcerting to see you act like this.” He paused for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to, I’m here. And if you don’t want to, I’ll be here still.” Dan hesitated, then said his next words. “I don’t plan on leaving you alone. Hopefully ever. I’m sorry.”

He opened his arms for a hug, which Phil gratefully stepped into. The two were still, molded together, until Dan felt Phil pull back a bit. He let go, and Phil sat on the bed next to him. “It’s just…” he started. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“I’m 30 years old, Dan. Normal 30 year olds have regular jobs and families and pets running around. I’m just some weirdo who puts videos up on the internet that teenage girls watch. I mean, doesn’t that sound at least a little creepy? That’s not good. That’s not normal.”

Dan thought for a bit. “If it makes you feel any better, you don’t act like you’re 30,” he joked.

“That’s just it!” Phil yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “My whole _persona_ has been defined as ‘ _that guy from YouTube with the weird hair_ ’. What if I don’t want to just be that? What if I want to be more?”

Dan wrapped an arm around Phil’s shoulders in an attempt to calm and console him. Phil sagged and leaned into his side, energy spent from his outburst. “Then be more. The whole reason we have and love our jobs is because we’re not held to one single requirement as to the content we produce. You can make whatever you want. If you want to talk about something that’s been weighing on you, do it. If you want to create something completely new and different, nothing’s stopping you. And as for being all that everyone else is, why on Earth would you want to do do that? You’re so amazingly unique and original, and that’s what I and all the viewers love and adore about you. So why in the world would you even consider trying to be normal? After all, normalness leads to sadness.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but he understood what he was saying. "But Dan," he continued, "you don't get it. The great part about it is also the worst: _it's not a normal job_. Normal jobs, people can work until their 60's and then retire and move to the country. With this, I'm completely dependent on the viewers. Once they're done, I'm done. I refuse to be the creepy old man who puts videos of himself making animal noises up on the Internet. What happens when this is over? I don't want it to stop, but time just keeps on moving."

"Hey, calm down," Dan instructed. "It's my job to worry about the future, remember?" He chuckled lightly. "Let me take care of it. Okay?"

Phil was still unsure, but he nodded. "You're right, it's silly." Shaking his head to clear it, he stood up. "Wanna go finish that movie?" he asked. 

"Sure," Dan agreed, and they walked hand in hand out of the room. 

~~~

“Dan, hurry up!” Phil called out, straightening his bow tie. “We’re going to be late!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, don’t get your panties in a wad,” Dan grumbled as he stomped down the steps, zipping up his pants. “What do you think?” he asked, holding out his arms and even doing a little spin to show off his outfit. His jacket was hanging open, revealing the dark red shirt he had on underneath.

Phil sucked in a breath, taking a step closer to the beauty in front of him. “God, you’re so gorgeous,” he whispered, placing his hands on Dan’s shoulders and moving in to kiss him.

Dan hummed softly, smiling into the kiss. “Come on; we’d better go,” he said, stepping away and moving around Phil towards the door. “Don’t want to be late, now, do we?”

“I can think of much better things we could be doing,” Phil whined. “The wedding can wait.”

When they showed up to the reception hall 30 minutes late, eyes alight and attitudes giggly, most people just figured they’d gotten a headstart on taking advantage of the free bar.

As the couple sat at their table, hands intertwined, they couldn’t stop smiling.

“Awe, just look at them,” Louise sighed from a couple chairs down. “The adoration in their eyes when they look at each other, the happiness written all over their faces… This is why I love weddings.”

At first, Dan and Phil had assumed she’d been talking about them, but after the last sentence, they realized with embarrassment that she’d been talking about the new bride and groom. Dan blushed, but Phil took the opportunity to try and see what Louise had been describing.

And he did.

He understood perfectly. 

And it gave him an idea.

Quickly standing, he dragged Dan off to a quiet corner away from the pulsing music and tipsy partygoers. 

“Whoa, Phil, calm down, what is it?”

Phil took a deep breath. “Okay. So, you know how Louise was talking about Carrie and Pete before? Was it just me, or did it sound at first like she was talking about someone else? Or, rather, two someones.”

After a slight pause, Dan nodded hesitantly. “I guess, but where are you going with this?”

“Well…” Phil tried to come up with the right words, but he wasn’t sure what they were. “Why don’t we get married?”

Dan’s eyes widened to the size of the moon as he took a step back. “Wha- wha… You mean… Phil, you can’t be serious.”

“Why not?” Phil asked, throwing his hands up in desperation. “We love each other, right?”

“Yes, but-”

“And we already live together, so what’s the big deal? Dan, we’ve been together for years.”

“I just-” Phil opened his mouth to say more, but the look on Dan’s face stopped him. “Phil… I’m just not ready,” he whispered, looking away, eyes landing on anything but the boy he’d just turned down. “We’re so young. Too young. Can we just wait? Please?”

Phil’s embarrassment threatened to engulf him. _It was a stupid idea, anyway. God, Phil. You don’t even have a ring or anything. This was so spur-of-the-moment, of course he was going to say no._

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he agreed, forcing a smile onto his face.

“Okay,” Dan said, looking awkward and uncomfortable. The two stood in silence for a while, neither looking at the other until Dan cleared his throat. “I’m gonna go get some air,” he announced.

“Oh, okay. I’ll just… be back at the table then, I guess,” Phil mumbled, shuffling away.

As Dan shoved open the door to the outside, scaring a couple of the people from the catering company as they tried to drain their life force via cigarette, he mentally cursed himself. 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid! You had your Ever After in your hands! Why didn’t you take it?_

_Because Phil probably would’ve changed his mind by the morning_ , he suggested to himself. _It was just the atmosphere. People probably get engaged at weddings all the time, and the divorce rate shows how great that works out._

After pacing around debating with himself for a while, he’d decided that he simply wasn’t ready. But when he opened the door to spy Phil on the dance floor, an eight year old girl standing on his feet as he danced with her, he felt his smile grow along with one small hope.

_Someday._

~~~

Now, the year was 2019. While the couple had never confirmed their love to the many suspecting fans, they were still going strong. In fact, things were about to get much stronger.

Dan and Phil held hands as they wandered around the streets of Japan that spring. They were still excited teenagers at heart, and the joy was evident on their faces.

And yet, something was off. Dan still laughed when his beautiful boyfriend did something cute, which was often, but he seemed distracted. He kept one hand in his pocket at all times as they walked, using the other to either point or hold Phil’s.

Phil noticed, of course, but his usual tricks to snap Dan back into the real world didn’t seem to be working. He’d tried jokes, improv, even unexpected kisses on the nose or cheek, but each time Dan would merely blush faintly or chuckle lightly before continuing on in his suspicious behavior.

They stopped under a large tree in a park and sat down on a bench. Phil turned to the boy who had become his world. “Dan, are you okay?”

“Hm?”

“You’ve been really distracted and distant since we got here. You should know by now that you can tell me when something’s wrong, right?” Phil gently encouraged Dan to share what was on his mind.

Dan let a small smile escape as he looked at the ground, toeing at some grass with his shoe. “I’m fine,” he assured him. “I’m just a little nervous.”

“Nervous?” Phil asked, confused. “About what?”

Dan took a deep breath. He shifted slightly, as if he was considering changing positions, but decided against it. “Nothing. I’ll tell you later.” He sighed and leaned against the boy that had become his everything. “Did I ever tell you the one thing I want most in the world? What I’ve always wanted, even if I may have been a little too proud to admit it at times?”

Phil thought for a few moments. “I don’t believe you have.”

“So, you know how in fairy tales, the couple always gets their Happily Ever After?” Dan began. “The prince gets the princess, the damsel in distress gets the knight in shining armor, and they all ride off into the sunset.”

Phil didn’t understand where he was going with this, but he didn’t dare interrupt.

“The real world isn’t like that. The real world is full of lies and mistakes and things inevitably going wrong. So it isn’t always going to be happy. But that’s okay. I can live with that. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect; I still want it. I want my Ever After.”

Dan went quiet for a bit, and Phil took the chance to speak up. “How are you going to find it?” he asked, somewhat scared. 

Dan moved to the ground in front of Phil and looked into his eyes. “I think I already have.”

Shakily, he shifted so he was down on one knee. 

Phil watched this unfold in front of him and felt his heart speed up, nearly trying to beat right out of his chest. “D-Dan? What are you…”

“Now, I know what I’ve said in the past, and I know that I don’t exactly deserve to be with someone as perfect as you, but…” Slowly, he pulled a velvet box out from his pocket and opened it up. Phil gasped, a hand flying up to cover his mouth. “I was thinking, maybe... I could be your perfect disaster, and you could be my Ever After.”

Phil choked on a sob as he dragged Dan up towards him. “Yes, yes, oh God yes,” he babbled, gathering him up into his arms for a hug and nearly squeezing the life out of him. He pulled away a bit to look him in the eye. “Yes, I’ll marry you,” he grinned before grabbing Dan’s face and kissing him fiercely.

They continued to kiss, salty tears mixing with chocolate and plum from the ice cream they’d had before coming to the park. Breaking for air, Dan chuckled a bit. “That would’ve broken YouNow, that’s for sure.” 

“Oh, shut up,” Phil muttered as he closed the small space between himself and his fiancé again.


	4. Chapter 4

As anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship will say, the fights usually start over the small things. Or, perhaps, what one may consider small. The other may not agree.

Dan and Phil were browsing contentedly next to each other on the sofa a few months after their trip to Japan. Each had headphones plugged into laptops and mobiles sitting next to them, along with the necessary snacks within reach. 

“Another YouTuber just posted a coming out video,” Phil said, careful to keep his voice level.

“Good for them,” Dan responded, speaking in much the same way. The two lapsed into a slightly-less-comfortable silence.

“The tweets have started.”

“Are you going to reply?”

“Are _you_?”

“Phil, we’ve been over this.” Dan took a breath and sat up, lowering his laptop screen. “You came out. You made your video. Everybody accepted it. Shouldn’t that be enough for you?”

“I just don’t understand why you don’t want to,” Phil tried. “You know that everyone’s guessed it already, so why not?”

“It’s because they’ve all guessed it! I’ve only been hinting at it for years, why do I need to bother with that?”

Phil pulled up a thumbnail on his screen and turned it around so Dan could see. “He didn’t do a big emotional thing, he just made an announcement video which happened to include the fact that he was engaged to a man. Which, may I remind you, is something that we have in common with him.”

Dan clenched his jaw, rising and shutting his laptop. “I told you, I’m not making a video. This conversation is done.”

“What are we going to when we get married?” Phil called after him, standing to follow Dan as he stalked off to his room. 

Dan didn't answer. He entered his room and turned the lock. 

Phil pounded on the door. “Dan! We need to talk about this!” Still no response. Phil sat down and leaned his back against the door. “I thought you wanted to get married,” he said quietly. 

Phil toppled backwards as the door suddenly opened inwards. “Just because I don't want to sit down and tell several million people one of the few still-private details of my life does not mean that I don't want to marry you.”

“It sure seems that way!” Phil raised his voice, scrambling up. “Why do you refuse to let the world know about us? I understood in 2012; we were young and scared. I understood in 2016; we were too busy. We’re engaged now, Dan. Do you expect me to go the rest of my life without being able to tell the world that I love you?”  
Dan pushed past Phil and headed down the hallway, attempting to see if walking could clear his head. “Not the rest of our lives, of course. I'm not an idiot. Just.. not now.”

“You've been saying that for years!”

“That doesn't mean I'll say it forever!”

“I'm tired, so tired of having to keep this a secret,” Phil pleaded, moving closer to his fiancé. 

“Can't we just have a quiet wedding? Something small and simple?”

“I don't care about the wedding - I care about the marriage. I don't want to be married to someone who feels ashamed of me.”

“I'm not ashamed!”

“Then prove it!”

“Stop yelling at me!”

“You're yelling at me!”

“Just go away!”

“You!”

“Fine!” Dan yelled, slamming the door to the flat. He couldn’t get out of that place fast enough. He needed a drink. Storming down the stairs, he made his way outside and found the nearest bar. Once inside, he plopped down on a stool and began rubbing his forehead with the fingers of his right hand.

“Rough day?” the bartender asked. “What’ll it be?”

Dan ordered one drink, just one. Just enough to calm him down.

Then he ordered another.

And another.

And another.

He drank until he couldn’t remember why; he drank until it didn’t hurt anymore. He drank until the only thing stopping him was the concerned bartender. And then when he stood up and a pair of long legs with blue eyes so bright that it hurt to look at them asked if she could come with, he said yes.

Dan began to head home, the nameless girl following him, tugging at his hand and hanging over him. It got harder and harder to ignore the nagging sensation of _this is not right_ and _she is not right_. He knew there was something missing, something so horribly wrong, that he stopped just down the street from his building.

“We here, baby?” she purred into his ear, hand traveling down his shirt and back up.

He stumbled, trying to take a step back and nearly toppling over face-first onto the pavement. “N-” he started, but he was interrupted.

“Dan! What…” Phil paused as he looked over the scene in front of him. Dan stank of booze and was barely holding himself above the line of consciousness. The woman standing next to him was wearing next to nothing, her blonde hair hanging greasy and lanky from her head. And her hand was on Dan’s chest. 

“Phil…?” Dan asked, squinting to make out his shape against the dark of the night. He suddenly found it hard to breathe. He pushed himself away from the stranger and toward the person he loved, only to be shut down by a single word.

“Oh.”

The one syllable, laden with emotion, hit Dan’s chest like a ton of bricks.

“No, no, Phil, no, please, Phil, God,” he rambled, clambering to the other boy and wrapping himself around him, refusing to let go. “God, please, Phil, no.”

Phil didn’t respond to him, choosing instead to hand the woman a ten pound note and instructing her to go home. Without a word to the stammering mess clinging to him, he turned back toward their building and slowly made his way to their door. 

Inside, he brought Dan to his room and pried him off, forcing him into the bed. “Phil, I-” Dan said, as he hadn’t stopped doing since he’d been found.

“Go to sleep,” Phil said, his voice cold and empty.

“But I-”

“You’re drunk. I won’t do this. Not now. Not tonight.” He sighed. “I can’t. Goodnight.” Phil turned his back and walked out.

~~~

The next morning, Dan woke up feeling like a monster truck rally was taking place inside of his skull. On his bedside table was a glass of water and two pills. Stumbling, he made his way out to the kitchen where Phil was sitting, poking silently at his Shreddies. 

“Hey.”

No response.

“Is that the last of it?”

Nothing.

“Am I just going to have milk for breakfast, then?” Dan tried to crack a joke, but all that came from it was a particularly painful jab in his head.

Phil stayed quiet.

Dan tried to figure out what might have caused him to receive the cold shoulder so early in the morning, but all he could think of was their fight the day before. He’d gotten so angry, stormed out, and ended up…

Oh, no.

Oh, for the love of God, no.

“Phil, I, yesterday-”

“I was wondering when you’d remember.”

The sudden sound from Phil made Dan jump.

“I-”

“I wasn’t sure how long it would take. I never expected it to be too long, but then again, I never expected last night to happen.”

“Phil, please listen to me, there-”

“Am I so inconsequential to you that I never even crossed your mind? Or did you know who I was, what you were doing, and decide to go along with it anyway?” Phil accused him, eyes piercing like daggers straight through to his heart. He could almost feel the tips of them slowly being dragged across, crisscrossing the thing barely beating with scars he knew would never truly heal. He couldn’t fix this.

But that wouldn’t stop him from trying.

Tears threatened to spill over onto his cheeks as he attempted to hold them in. “Trust in me, trust in me, don’t pull away," he begged, stammering. "Just trust in me, trust in me. 

Because I’m just trying to keep it together, ‘cause I could do worse and you could do better.”

“Oh? And how am I supposed to trust you, Dan? Do you honestly not understand the full implications of what happened last night?”

“Nothing happened! I was telling her no when you showed up!” Dan yelled, crashing his hands down on the table in exasperation. “I’m telling the truth!”

“You'd make a better liar,” Phil hissed as he stood up, moving toward the door at an alarmingly fast rate. 

Dan clutched his head. The two tiny pills had hardly dented his headache, and all of this yelling was just aggravating it more. “What’s going to happen now…” he mumbled to himself.

Phil stamped his foot. “Dan, why can't you do this? Just face the damn music! This is a dire situation here and we do not have time for yet another freaking existential crisis. Get off your ass and do something!”

Phil spun on his heel and was almost out the door before Dan got the breath to call after him. 

“Wait!” Dan cried out desperately. Phil halted, slowly turning his head back but not meeting Dan’s eyes. “Please don’t leave,” he whispered. “Can’t you stay where you are, just for now? I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my Ever After…” he reminded him softly, eyes falling to the floor. His only response was the finality of a door slamming shut.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan crumpled to the ground. All of his light, all of his hope, all of his life had walked out that door with Phil.

“I breathe disaster,” he sobbed into his hands.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, curled up in a ball on the cold, unforgiving kitchen tile. He did know that he had no motivation to get up. He had no motivation to do anything. All he wanted was to lay there and waste away so he wouldn’t have to feel anymore.

When he could ignore his bladder’s warning signals no more, he finally stood. He rose shakily, eyes lidded, as he stumbled his way to the bathroom.

Once finished, he went to his room and landed on his bed, only to fall into a restless sleep.

~~~

That is how the next couple of weeks were spent: a swirl of alcohol mixed with only leaving his bed when it was necessary - mainly, to acquire more drinks.

The few times he was sober were so painful that they never lasted long. The empty rooms reminded him too much of the emptiness he felt inside, reminded him too much of what he’d lost.

One day, he went to check his phone and found that it was dead. He couldn’t remember the last time it had been charged. Plugging it in, he saw he had quite a few notifications, though none of them were from the person he wanted to hear from the most. Ignoring the messages from concerned friends, family, and fans, he opened up the YouTube app. 

The first thing to pop up in his suggested videos was one he’d never seen before. 

_Wha…?_

Phil, apparently having decided that what had happened between them, had still posted a video on schedule. Had still _filmed_ a video on schedule. It looked to be a vlog tracking his journey as he went up to visit his family.

_I used to go with him._

Dan couldn’t believe this. How could he?! Phil was making it look so easy. Dan’s on the ledge of insanity, and he’s so polite and composed!

_I know you’re fine, but what a fallout._

Thinking about it nearly drove him crazy. Phil had clearly moved on, and so should he.

_Don’t wanna think about it. I’m just so tired of getting sick about it._

Dan threw his phone across the room in anger, ignoring the crack! as it slammed against the wall and thudded to the carpet.

_I know you’re fine, but what do I do?_

~~~

Another week went by. Dan did send out a tweet apologizing for his absence and explaining that he was taking a break for a while, but that was his only action on the internet. He spent most of his time either causing or nursing a hangover, the TV playing in the background on mute.

His phone with its shattered screen stayed plugged in, just in case, and also because Dan wasn’t strong enough to turn it off.

One day, while he was debating over whether or not to open up another bottle, it rang.

The shrill noise made Dan jump and he clambered over the furniture in the race to his bedroom.

“Hello?” he answered breathlessly, trying and failing at stamping his hope down, just in case it wasn’t him.

“Daniel Howell?” an unfamiliar voice spoke back.

Dan deflated. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“You were listed as an emergency contact. Philip Lester has been in an accident.”


	6. Chapter 6

Dan couldn’t breathe the entire ride to the hospital. The words kept playing over and over again in his head: _Philip Lester has been in an accident._

Why was he even here? He was supposed to be up on the Isle of Man with his family. Dan opened Twitter and saw Phil’s latest update.

 

_@AmazingPhil: Headed back home! I need to see someone._

 

_Oh God, was this my fault?_

If Phil had been coming back to London to see him, that meant that he was in the freaking A&E because of Dan’s sorry ass.

He arrived in hysterics and ran to the front desk. “Phil Lester?” he demanded breathlessly.

The receptionist was unfazed, most likely having seen this play out many a time before. “Name and relation?”

“Dan Howell. I’m his…” Dan paused, unsure of how to describe them. They were technically engaged, but the public didn’t know that, and he doubted it would be on their record.   
“Roommate.” _Former roommate._

“ID?”

Dan flipped open his wallet and paled. It wasn’t there. “Um, okay, I don’t have it with me, but please, I have to see him.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry at all, but instead seeming bored. “No ID, no admittance. Mr. Lester is in critical condition right now and has very limited access for visitors.”

_Critical._

Dan swallowed and thought quickly. “It’s true, I am his roommate. I am who I say I am, I swear. Google it. Trust me. You’ll find us.” He hated acting like a spoiled brat, but there was no time to come up with other options.

The lady behind the desk raised her eyebrow, but complied. Glancing between the screen and his face, he saw recognition register in her eyes. “Alright, Mr. Howell. Please sign this and you can be on your way to visit him.” She pushed a pen and paper towards him. He scribbled his signature, the result looking like a toddler had just figured out how pens worked. “Room 317,” she stated, pointing down the hall to her left. “Good luck.”

Dan couldn’t spare the time or energy to thank her. Every fiber of his being was focused on one thing: getting to Phil.

_He’s alone. He’s alone. He got hurt and he’s alone. I PROMISED I’D NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE. NOW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED._

He screamed at himself inside his head, so distracted he almost ran right past the room. At the last second, he noticed the number and turned, smacking his forehead on the doorframe. Shaking it off, he paused, hand on the knob. _Am I ready to see this?_

The door opened, answering his question for him. “Hello,” a doctor said, clearly startled at finding him there. “Are you a relative of Mr. Lester’s? Because if not, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

But Dan wasn’t listening. 

The broken and bandaged body lying on the bed looked nothing like the beautiful Phil he’d fallen in love with.

“Sir?” the doctor asked. “Sir, I’m sorry, but-”

“I’m his fiancé,” Dan whispered. “We’re engaged.” Or at least, they had been. Dan wasn’t sure what they were now.

“Ah. I see,” the doctor said. “And your name is?”

“Dan.”

“Well, Dan, I’m Doctor Thomas. Please step inside and I’ll see if I can explain what happened.”

Dan numbly entered the room and sat down in the hard, bright-orange chair next to the bed.

“From what we’ve gathered, we know that Mr. Lester here was in a taxi that left from the airport when a drunk driver ran a red light and crashed into the side. There were many witnesses who called 999. He was already unconscious when help arrived. When Mr. Lester was being pulled from the wreckage, they found he suffered massive internal and external bleeding. There’s most likely been some brain damage as well. We’re not sure when he’ll wake up.”

Dan surveyed the scene in front of him. Phil looked paler than ever, if that was even possible, and he was clothed in nothing but a thin hospital gown. A stark white sheet was over him up to his chest, his arms laying on top of it. Attached in multiple places were the wires. They lead up to the bags on either side of him that Dan didn’t want to accept were the only thing keeping him alive. His head was wrapped in gauze, with only his face visible. The only signs showing he was alive were the slow beep of the heart monitor and the faint rise and fall of his chest.

“I’ll leave you alone for a bit. Just press the call button if you need anything.” Doctor Thomas left, leaving Dan alone with Phil for the first time in over a month. 

This wasn’t how Dan had wanted it to happen.

“Hey,” he said quietly. His voice was hoarse, throat damaged by all of the drinks he’d consumed recently.

“So, this isn’t good,” he started. “We didn’t exactly part on the best of terms, and now here I am, in your freaking hospital room.” He stopped and stared at the space that should be filled with bright eyes bluer than the sky, but instead there was nothing but pale lids hiding them for who knew how long. “I know, I messed up big-time,” he said. “But what if here and now, I tell you that I’m all figured out?” Dan thought back over the empty bottles of liquor scattered around the apartment since he’d been alone and sighed, resting his head in his hands. “Or maybe I just like how that sounds.

“I know, sometimes, I only made you mad… And maybe I’m too proud to say I missed you… Oh, who am I kidding?” Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and clutched it as tightly as he dared. “I missed you so damn much. I missed you so hard it hurt. Hell, I still miss you and you’re right here.” He lifted a hand and gently brushed Phil’s cheek. “Well, mostly here.” Dan let his head fall to rest on the stark white sheets next to Phil’s unmoving form. “Please come back to me,” he whispered as tears fell. It seemed he had a neverending supply, as they’d never really stopped from the moment Phil left.

A nurse knocked on the door. Dan lifted his head as she entered. “I just need to check a few things. It'll only take a second.”  
Dan didn't respond, just sat staring blankly at Phil’s body. 

The nurse paused, looking at him before speaking. “You know, they're saying there's a high chance he won’t make it through the night. The best thing you can do right now is stay with him. Talk to him. Give him a reason to struggle.” With that, she left with her chart full of information on the man Dan loved. 

He squeezed the pale hand once more. “I could be your perfect disaster, you could be my Ever After, remember?”

Yet another one of his mother’s lines appeared in his head. This had been from when his grandfather had been very sick. _Dying people need a reason to get up in the morning, otherwise they won't._

“Fight for something, fight for something, FIGHT FOR SOMETHING!” he stood, starting to yell before sitting back down as angry tears covered his face. 

Now it wasn't his mother’s voice in his head, but Phil’s. 

_Face the music when it’s dire._

He spoke again, this time at an appropriate volume. He fought to get every word out. 

“Somehow, don't you dare fail…” he paused, taking a shuddering breath. “Fail me now. Ever After, somehow!” 

More tears and a scream escaped as he heard a response that was most definitely not what he had wanted. 

A long, dull beep. 

Flatline.


	7. Epilogue

Darcy watched on as her father ended his story right where Phil’s heart had stopped. “What happened after that?”

Dan swallowed. “I was carried out of his room, kicking and screaming. I’d been so focused on getting him to stay that I never even got to say goodbye. They… they asked me to speak at the funeral but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand the thought of standing there, surrounded by his family. Oh God, his mum, I don’t know if she ever forgave me for not going…”

Suddenly a child again, Darcy slid out of bed to retrieve her finished artwork. Upon seeing it, her father sucked in a breath and shifted his gaze away.

“Daddy?” she asked softly. Dan had started to zone out, but her words drew him back. “Do you think we could go visit him?”

He smiled, but his eyes were still so, so sad. “I think he’d like that.” He kissed her forehead and rose. “Goodnight, Princess.”

Once he was out in the hall, he gently shut the door and sighed as he leaned against the wall.

“I’ve never heard the whole story before.”

Dan started only slightly. He hadn’t noticed Sarah listening from the doorway, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. Tonight’s story had been a little lengthier than usual. She’d probably been wondering what was taking him so long. 

“I’ve never told the whole story before.”

Sarah softly took his hand and led him to bed.

~~~

The next day, the family loaded themselves into the car. The trip to the cemetery took a while, but nobody talked much. Dan didn’t speak at all, letting Sarah drive and Darcy listen to music.

The car rolled to a stop in the parking lot. Darcy popped her headphones out of her ears and slid out, pausing to see her father still in his seat, hands trembling slightly. Her mother stepped out to join her and they began to move towards the gravesite, giving him a moment to collect himself before he joined them.

Again, Darcy wondered if this had been a bad idea. All she’d wanted to do was help her dad get over something from his past, but what if this hurt him more?

Too soon, they found themselves standing in front of it. The grass around them was too soft and green, the sunlight too bright for the occasion. It should be dark, dismal, raining.

“It suits him,” Dan said quietly. 

Sarah handed a small bouquet of flowers to Darcy, who placed them on the ground in front of the gravestone along with her drawing.

 _I wish I could’ve met you_ , she thought. _I’m sorry._

A long minute passed.

“Come on, let’s give them some privacy.” Her mother held out a hand for Darcy to take as they left her father to say what he had to.

Dan sat down. For a few minutes, he simply studied the shadows cast by the grass onto the grey of the stone. “You know,” he suddenly spoke, “for a while, I wished they’d buried me, too.” He looked down at where his hands had been picking at the grass - there was now a small hole in the earth. “A shallow grave for shallow hearts,” he whispered, attempting to fill it back in, “for pick-me-ups and fall-aparts,” his breath began to hitch, “for promises that never started right.” With this line, he finally looked at the words engraved on the stone.

_Philip Michael Lester_

_30.1.1987 - 19.10.2019_

_We’ll toast what could have been, my dearly departed._  


“It’s been… hard. God, it’s been so hard without you here. I met someone, settled down, but know that I never got over you. I don’t think anyone ever could.” The words rushed out for a moment, then trickled to a pause. “Do you remember when we got engaged?” he asked, the words feeling strange and heavy on his tongue even after unleashing the story only hours before. “I asked if you could be my Ever After.” Dan took a deep breath and stood before the simple carving that could never convey how much this man meant to the world, to him. “Now it’s just a part of mind, but when it comes to it,” he steadied himself, forcing his gaze to the engraved letters of Phil’s name, “Ever After was mine.” His voice was soft but steady. “Goodbye.” 


End file.
